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| Image: that meme with that instigating white cat. The screaming white woman's caption: "YOU HAVE TO RESPECT THE PRESIDENT" Instigating cat's response: "I ain't gotta do Shit but stay black and die" |
It's like this.
Ben Franklin out here saying the only certainties in life are taxes and death. But for me?
I gotta STAY BLACK, and DIE.
And that's fucking real. For every single one of us.
Yesterday I made the mistake of writing something snarky instead of something helpful on someone's FB post. The [white-presenting] original poster rightfully said to me, the older white guy I'd just snarked at, and a white woman who'd chimed in: "if you all can't play nicely, delete yourselves." Totally reasonable and something I frequently call for in my own space. So I apologized profusely multiple times, and thanked her for being an ally.
In my apology, I also pointed out that the older white guy saying things like "the most dangerous thing for a black man in the US, it's another black man" is harmful and painful, especially when those kinds of words are a response to protest and the murder of George Floyd. I said those words made me sick to my stomach, because they do. I said it hurt the movement, because it does. I wasn't aggressive. I wasn't mean. I didn't say, "what the actual fuck is wrong with you, guy?" I just said the things. And then, when the guy removed his comments (although I later realized that he'd simply just blocked me), I shared that I wished he'd left his comments up because this is how dialogue happens, that this is how we learn.
Then the OP said, "[The commenter] is good people, reflect on this before you comment again, because I remember you, I see you, I love you, and [he] will ALWAYS fight for me...
'I have decided to stick with love; hate is too great a burden to bear.'"
A liberal ally just used MLK's words at me to silence my experience.
Can I repeat that for you, just so you have a shot at feeling it as deeply as I did?
A liberal. Ally. Silenced a Black woman. Using the words of the Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King, Junior.
Well, damn! Right? I mean, RIGHT? So y'all wanna know what I did next? I bet you can't guess. Go on, ol' KB, tell 'em whatcha did next!
Y'all ready?
I apologized.
That is exactly what I fucking did. I apologized to the OP again. And I thanked her for being an ally AGAIN.
And she, the ally, the OP, the protestor, responded to that apology with, "I'll read this later, it's too much right now. 💛💛🖤🖤"
It took my people-pleasing diplomatic Black ass all fucking night to realize that I was not the one in the wrong by that point. That my Black feelings were too much for her.
Do you know how horrible this all feels? Do you know how fucked up this is? I would be ashamed of myself, and I was for hours until a friend finally pointed out—this morning, a whole DAY later, a whole day of feeling responsible and guilty and awful and ashamed—that I didn't make myself this way. I didn't cheerfully decide to train myself to over-apologize to white people. I trained myself to over-apologize to white people for both physical and emotional survival. Because we know what happens if I don't.
Do you not know what happens if I don't?
Well, at the very least, if I don't over-apologize for my Black feelings when a white person decides they don't have room for it, then I am just a raging bitch. All women+ — what we go through in terms of being conditioned to apologize? That's expected of Black folk too. I get pegged as a bitch because I am a woman, but if I were a man and just as Black, "bitch" would not be the perception here.
I'll say it again. Do you know how fucked up this is?
Listen, it's not just that I don't *have to do anything* but stay Black and die. Switch a few words around in that phrase and you'll see it: I don't have *anything else to do* but stay Black and die. And even allies perpetuate that notion.
Folks, we all need to do better. And if you don't think you need to do better too, then you are part of the problem. It's a tough burden to bear, knowing you have to do better every day, isn't it? And I have to do better too! I know I started this mess by being unkind in someone else's space. But you know what? After I did that and was politely reminded of it, I did the work to fix the damage I'd caused the OP, and I did the work to respond to the ensuing damage I witnessed. And that damage was not done solely to me. That damage was done to Black people. Period.
So. If you are an ally who wants to help, here are some actionable items in no particular order:
1. You can help by sharing any of the words I or other Black folk write these days—without your two cents attached. We have a hard enough time being heard as it is. Don't bury our voices with yours, even if it's well-intentioned and meant to bolster the words and the fight. You want to attach resources or your thoughts? Cool. Do it in a different post so the Black voices don't disappear underneath it all. Leaving off your two cents in these kinds of moments is a version of what is called "amplifying Black voices." Instead, say, "here's a perspective worth hearing," or, "here I am sharing the words of so-and-so about X subject," or something along those lines. Throw in a pulled quote if you want, too! But please, please don't hide our words.
2. You can help by writing your own words and feelings in other, separate posts unattached to an already complete Black piece. You can help by speaking out. "Amplify Black voices" does not mean "stay silent." Do you see how this is different from Ol' KB's Actionable Item #1? If you don't see it, please try to think about it some more and talk to another ally about it.
3. You can help by calling yourself out and not asking me or your other Black friends to do so.
4. You can help by calling out other allies, and holding discussions with them.
5. You can help by simply giving a "like" to a social media post from a Black voice, or a comment from a Black voice in an argument. Again, see Actionable Item #1. Do not just give a thumbs up to the apology that the Black person talked a white guy into and applaud the dude for changing his mind. Back up your Black friends. It is an easy and meaningful way to show support, because every time we speak out we are taking on a task that very well might be impossible.
6. You can help by not just "canceling" racists because it sucks for you to deal with. Engage in respectful dialogue. Black folk have been doing it for years and we don't fucking like it. But we do it anyway.
7. You can help by doing your homework yourself. Find resources and use them. They're there. If you are able to read this, then you are able to use a search engine.
8. You can help by caring about this shit when it is relevant—which is literally always. It is no coincidence that people are this enraged at the same time as a pandemic. Most of us don't have anything else going on but social media. And we stare at it all day and get angrier and angrier, more devastated, more depressed. But here's the thing, y'all: Black folk BEEN getting killed. We BEEN angry. We BEEN wronged. Where were all these protests before we were trapped in our houses for months? And why am I the first person I've heard talk about this? The murder of George Floyd is yet another devastating symptom of a pandemic that this country has had since it was "founded." But it took the quieting of the entire world for white people to get angry enough to take to the streets.
9. You can help by not putting your newfound grief or awakenings on your Black friends. We love you, but most of us don't have the space. If you make the mistake of doing so, be sure to leave room in that conversation for an acknowledgment that Black folk—including the Black person right in front of you—are struggling.
10. You can help by listening to the Black experience even when it is uncomfortable to do so. And not just "even," but especially when it is uncomfortable to do so. If you feel that Black lives matter, then you need to act like it when it counts. Not just on the steps of the Capitol, not just on the streets holding a sign, not just changing your profile picture to all black, not just sharing a post here and there.
Because when does it count?
For me, it counts every fucking day. And it should for you too.
