Friendship in the Time of COVID

FRIENDSHIP IN THE TIME OF COVID

a very short play by a very sad person about a very small part of a very large thing

HER

Here’s the thing.

HIM

What?

HER

What if this is an apocalypse?

HIM

Yo, you been smoking too much weed.

HER

No, no, I mean I did last night/

HIM

Yup/

HER

—but hear me out. I don’t mean like, THE apocalypse, hellfire raining from the heavens and God smiting the heathens/

HIM

You mean us the heathens?

HER

YesImeanustheheathens. I mean like, what if this is a self-imposed apocalypse that humanity brought on itself?

HIM

…

HER

Entire countries are shutting down/

HIM

First world ones, so they matter of course.

HER

Right, of course, entire “important” countries. 65 degrees in Antarctica. We have kids in cages at the border, for fuck’s sake/

HIM

Mothers giving birth in detention centers/

HER

Exactly, some stillborn, did you see that article/

HIM

Yeah, and then also yet another Black kid who got/

HER

/murdered, another, right, and throughout all that this cop I know said he literally had to split up a physical altercation at Walmart yesterday over toilet paper/

HIM

Of which YOU have none anyway since you were too lazy to go shopping and now your ass smells/

HER

BUSY. Not lazy. I was really, really busy. Gigs.

(beat)

HIM

I’m sorry.

HER

Thanks.

HIM

…do you need…? Because I could probably move some things around and lend/you some cash to get through—

HER

No. I mean thanks. I mean yes, I definitely need it, obviously, but no. You don’t. Have to. (long beat) I’m just saying. What if this is an apocalypse that we brought upon ourselves? (beat) Because we kind of deserve it.

(long beat)

HIM

I was the one.

HER

Excuse me?

HIM

At Walmart.

HER

Oh for fuck’s/fucking sake.

HIM

No, listen, I was holding that shit on the way to the cash register and this little old lady tried to take it right out of my hands! I said, no, ma'am, I got here first, I said, we already don’t have any at home, I have a wife and two young kids, please/try to understand—

HER

Bro, you can’t be out here fucking fighting old ladies/at Walmart during the gotdamn apocalypse—

HIM

SHE hit ME! I even offered to give her a couple rolls out of the package after I bought it!

(beat)

HER

Did you hit her back?

HIM

Do I have extra soft two-ply in my car?

END OF PLAY

a mostly autographical play by Kyle Boatwright, inspired by a conversation with Michael Garcia,
a show called "Mr. Burns: a post-electric play,"
and a true story heard secondhand yesterday about a cop we know.
Garcia did not actually hit an old lady and would never do so.
He also is lacking in toilet paper.

All rights absolutely fucking reserved.

Please stay safe, stay sane, be kind, wash your hands, and do what you need to do to take care of yourself and others. Creators, keep creating. And love your people. Hard. It's the only thing that will get us through.
Lots of love from another scared, sad, tired human.