Friday, March 13, 2020

Friendship in the Time of COVID



FRIENDSHIP IN THE TIME OF COVID
a very short play by a very sad person about a very small part of a very large thing


HER
Here’s the thing.

HIM
What?

HER
What if this is an apocalypse?

HIM
Yo, you been smoking too much weed.

HER
No, no, I mean I did last night/

HIM
Yup/

HER
—but hear me out. I don’t mean like, THE apocalypse, hellfire raining from the heavens and God smiting the heathens/

HIM
You mean us the heathens?

HER
YesImeanustheheathens. I mean like, what if this is a self-imposed apocalypse that humanity brought on itself?

HIM

HER
Entire countries are shutting down/

HIM
First world ones, so they matter of course.

HER
Right, of course, entire “important” countries. 65 degrees in Antarctica. We have kids in cages at the border, for fuck’s sake/

HIM
Mothers giving birth in detention centers/

HER
Exactly, some stillborn, did you see that article/

HIM
Yeah, and then also yet another Black kid who got/

HER
/murdered, another, right, and throughout all that this cop I know said he literally had to split up a physical altercation at Walmart yesterday over toilet paper/

HIM
Of which YOU have none anyway since you were too lazy to go shopping and now your ass smells/

HER
BUSY. Not lazy. I was really, really busy. Gigs.

(beat)

HIM
I’m sorry.

HER
Thanks.

HIM
…do you need…? Because I could probably move some things around and lend/you some cash to get through—

HER
No. I mean thanks. I mean yes, I definitely need it, obviously, but no. You don’t. Have to. (long beat) I’m just saying. What if this is an apocalypse that we brought upon ourselves? (beat) Because we kind of deserve it.

(long beat)

HIM
I was the one.

HER
Excuse me?

HIM
At Walmart.

HER
Oh for fuck’s/fucking sake.

HIM
No, listen, I was holding that shit on the way to the cash register and this little old lady tried to take it right out of my hands! I said, no, ma'am, I got here first, I said, we already don’t have any at home, I have a wife and two young kids, please/try to understand—

HER
Bro, you can’t be out here fucking fighting old ladies/at Walmart during the gotdamn apocalypse—

HIM
SHE hit ME! I even offered to give her a couple rolls out of the package after I bought it!

(beat)

HER
Did you hit her back?

HIM
Do I have extra soft two-ply in my car?



END OF PLAY


a mostly autographical play by Kyle Boatwright, inspired by a conversation with Michael Garcia,
a show called "Mr. Burns: a post-electric play,"
and a true story heard secondhand yesterday about a cop we know.
Garcia did not actually hit an old lady and would never do so.
He also is lacking in toilet paper.

All rights absolutely fucking reserved.

Please stay safe, stay sane, be kind, wash your hands, and do what you need to do to take care of yourself and others. Creators, keep creating. And love your people. Hard. It's the only thing that will get us through.
Lots of love from another scared, sad, tired human.