What Really Matters: An Open Apology

I did something stupid.

I'm not going to make a list of the abundance of stupid things I've done, because it would invariably end in me hiding out in my bedroom avoiding any interaction with anyone for several days lest I inflict more stupidity on the world. However, this one is really, really stupid.

I uttered the words, "ALL lives matter."

Let's get one thing straight. Clearly, they do. I'm not going to get into that.

But that is not the point.

I've already posted a bit about my history—Hide your wife, hide your kids—but I'm reminded constantly of it during this particular situation. I learned to read when I was three. I cut my teeth on books about African folktale and books narrated by Danny Glover. I read books about little Black boys and girls that were heroes. I had biographies that those boys and girls who grew up to be bigger heroes; my favorite was one about Harriet Tubman. I read it over and over. It was blue and had a painting of her creeping through the woods at night, bandana pulled low over the scar on her forehead.

Then I got sent to private school.

Princeton, NJ. Home, naturally, of Princeton University—home of Cornell West and, for a brief time, Michelle Obama. Also home of a TON of white people. Rich ones. Collar-popping Republicans.

At Princeton Day School, I didn't learn to play double dutch or hopscotch like my mother did at her school in the city. I learned how to do my hair in a messy bun, how to love Hanson, how to pop my own collar and wear sweatshirts that said Yale. I had a North Face jacket and I shopped at American Eagle. My closest friends were Jewish girls and rebel white boys, and I was in love with all of them.

It should come as no surprise, then, that all lives matter to me. They matter deeply. Best friends, boyfriends, ex-fiancés, guys I consider to be my brothers, mentors. These are the people I think of when I say all lives matter, because they are people that I cannot live without. The large percentage of the population that is not sociopathic feels the same way. People matter. And—AND—I said something stupid.

Because it's not the point. These lives matter and it is not the point. The point is: Black people are dying through no fault of their own. It is literally. That. Simple.

I was not going to write about this. I stay away from the news because I'm already pretty freakin' suicidal. It is selfish but I can't take it most days. I don't want to hear about it. I know terror exists, and I know people I love and people I don't know are at risk. And I know my own limits, and they are small, and I am ignorant, and it is a fault that I hope I can fix.

But what irks me so, so much is that my own selfish stupid thoughts made me miss the point. Black lives matter. That is the cause. It doesn't mean that other people, other things don't matter. It means that finally, we are acknowledging openly, loudly, that police brutality toward the Black community is frighteningly and heartbreakingly real.

Stephen A. Smith,  a brother who has already made many sexist remarks during his time in the spotlight, has now posted on his Facebook, and I quote, "Where is all the noise about #Blacklivesmatter when black folks are killing black folks? There's nothing wrong when a presidential candidate [Martin O'Malley] says 'All lives matter'!"

Yes, Black folks are killing Black folks, Smith. Yes, all lives matter, O'Malley. That is not the point.

There is a (white, relatively well-off) guy who I deeply respect. Let's call him Bernard. Bernard is a friend, and I love him. Bernard is smart and talented and giving, and he is one of the most empathetic people I know. He is the one who called my attention to Smith, who I didn't even know existed to this point. Bernard called my attention to Smith, because HE posted Smith's comments on HIS Facebook page, saying, "I stand with Stephen A. Smith."

No. No! That is not the point.

I did something stupid, and I know now that I was wrong. And I'm sorry for what I said. I encourage you all to take a look at this. I encourage Democratic presidential candidate Martin O'Malley to entirely withdraw the statement and actually think about what he's saying, and I encourage Jeb Bush, who thinks this statement needs no apology, to sit the fuck down. Police brutality toward Black folk is the point of this cause. Supporting the American Cancer Society doesn't make the American Heart Association any less relevant. Our country has several illnesses. This is one of them.

Go ahead. Start with Trayvon Martin. Find the pattern in the illness. Say the names. I say them every day, and I'm sorry.